How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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