Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
