I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
