tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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