I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
