hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
