Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
