Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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