please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
