4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
