At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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