Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
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You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
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Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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