why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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