Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
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