My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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