Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
