No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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