last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
