...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
