we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
