Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
