speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
