what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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