so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
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I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
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oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door