i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.