I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
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apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
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A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.