I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
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security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
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Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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