I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
