Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I wish there were birth control emojis
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
