What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
