You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
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