Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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