I think I won the penis lottery.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
