Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
