Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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