Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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