I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
