So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
