I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
