Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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