If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?