So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She bit a glass in half.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
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I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
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I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step