I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
