I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Your penis caused this!
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
