i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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