Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
