Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
