she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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