He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
