If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
