It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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