I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Randomize
