Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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