hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
