I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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