in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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